Genital Misunderstandings
by Dorkylokifan
Summary: It's Thor and Loki's wedding night and the two are learning about each other and their cultures through the most awkward of means. Crack! and cheesy smut filled with laughs. Jotunn Loki, Goofy Thor. M/M Explict.


"What am I to you?" Loki asked his new husband.

"The embodiment of hope and fear. Last month, you were my enemy, and now I am supposed to have children with you. My happiness hinges on how well you and I get on together. You're a stranger, and I'm supposed to just…consummate this union. I had hoped, in my younger years, that this moment would be filled with love. Now I count my blessings if we can end the night without feeling violated."

"Do you find me attractive? Or do you see me as your countrymen see me? Am I a hideous monster?"

"You are not the maiden I had envisioned as an adolescent. I'd always imagined someone with a round breast and hip. You are none of those things and yet strangely, you have an appeal." Thor looked down to hide his blush and then felt foolish for it.

"And what of my skin? My eyes?"

"Not so horrific as I feared. The shade of red in your eyes is a pleasing garnet, not like the blood red of your kin. You are attractive. Your hair is lovely." He said and paused before continuing. "What do you see when you look at me?"

"You're very hairy."

"Really?" Thor had not expected that, but he didn't know what to expect.

"Yes. I've never seen facial hair or leg hair before. What function does it serve? It hardly seems thick enough to keep you warm." Loki asked. Thor smiled.

"It's decorative." He said. Loki quirked an eyebrow at that. "You don't like it." Thor said.

"No. Not really. But it is a minor complaint. The rest of you is…pretty." Loki said. Thor chuckled.

"I have been called many things in my life, but never pretty." Thor said.

"Do your countrymen consider you to be ugly?"

"Oh, no. It is just that they usually call me handsome, not pretty."

"I see. Pretty denotes femininity. Is that it?" Loki asked.

"Yes."

"Am I pretty? Or am I handsome?" Loki asked.

"That is a loaded question. I have a fifty-fifty shot of insulting you or hurting your feelings."

"I won't take offense. I am simply curious about how you see me."

"You have broad shoulders and a well-defined body, which is very masculine. In this you are handsome. But your hair, your lips, those cheek bones, and your graceful movement as you walk on those long shapely legs…You are sublime Loki. You are pretty." Thor said. Loki's cheeks flushed violet at this proclamation, and he looked away. No one had ever said such wooing words to him before. Most Jotunns looked upon him with disdain for his short stature.

"You look like a miniature Jotunn yourself in many ways. You are so broad and strong. If your skin were blue and your face hair free, and taller of course, you would be very popular among my people." Loki said.

"Would shaving my beard help?"

"Yes. It looks scratchy." Loki said. He really did not like it.

"Then that shall be my wedding gift to you this night. I'll be right back." Thor ran off to the bathroom to shave. He knew he would catch flak from his friends and compatriots when he left the honeymoon suite. But his new marriage was fragile and this was a small concession. After several swipes with the razor he rinsed the remaining foam from his face. He looked so young this way. He was about to put away the razor when he thought about the rest of him. If Jotunns did not have facial hair or leg hair, did they not have pubic hair either? Thor looked down at his crotch and made the decision to shave there as well.

It was delicate work and Thor had to make a couple of passes at some hard to reach areas. He was slightly surprised by the amount of fur he removed from between his legs and was glad of the choice he'd made. Once he was satisfied he rinsed his skin there as well before putting his clothes back on even though he'd be removing them again in a few minutes.

"How do I look?" Thor asked when he re-entered the bedroom.

"Lovely." Loki said with a smile. He could really appreciate that face now. Especially those blue eyes that shimmered like the Jotunn ice. Thor sat on the bed next to Loki, grinning like a child praised by its mother.

"I would like to kiss you now." Thor said. Loki was pensive and he cursed his sheltered upbringing. Mating had only been discussed in the most technical and dry of terms. Nevertheless, he didn't want to act the frighten frigid clueless virgin and leaned in for the kiss. Their lips met and after a moment of soft presses, they ventured further. Loki flit his tongue out to lick Thor's bottom lip enticing him to open. Their tongues massaged together like soft slippery sandpaper flavored with mint. As they explored deeper they scooted their bodies closer together until they fully embraced. After much hair petting they broke apart, each man desperate for breath.

"Perhaps consummating our marriage will not be the burden I feared." Thor said.

"I am glad to hear that I am not the only one that dreaded this evening." Loki said.

"What were you expecting?"

"A lecherous inconsiderate racist drunkard that would insult me, fuck me, and then leave me bruised and bleeding come morning."

"I expected you be cold in body and demeanor. Your skin is very pleasant to touch. What are these ridges?" Thor noted the swirling lines covering Loki's left cheek, down his neck, and disappearing beneath his tunic.

"Scars inflicted during my coming of age ritual."

"All the marks I have seen on other frost giants are short and inelegant."

"That is because you've only encountered our warriors. For seidrmier such as I, we are afforded the graceful cuts reflecting our hidden powers. This scar is continuous and goes all the way down. It was painful to be sure, but the more painful the cut, the more respect is bestowed. The scar ends at the tip of my cock." Loki said. He'd been told it would increase his pleasure in mating. It certainly felt that way whenever he took himself in hand. Thor couldn't help but hiss in pain at the thought of a knife cutting lines into his dick, but it did bring to mind a specific visual and another question.

"So your cock, when erect has rings going around it. How does that feel during sex?"

"Amazing." Loki said, not having a clue how it would feel on the receiving end. "Would you like to know what it feels like inside you?" Loki asked. Thor blushed. This particular sexual position had never been broached with him.

"But I do not possess a womb as you do."

"I am aware of that. I understand that Aesir men do not like being taken in that manner. Why?"

"It is considered unmanly among my people." Thor said. His pupils were dilated and Loki saw in Thor's eyes a shame filled desire he clearly feared to voice.

"Who has to know? This is our marriage bed is it not? And if my keeping this particular sexual practice a secret between us affords us both a pleasure we want, what is to stop us from seeking it?"

"You wouldn't tell anyone?"

"I am your spouse. Keeping your confidence and trust is the most important thing I can do." Loki stood then and pulled his tunic off over his head. He smiled coyly over his shoulder at Thor as he then unlaced his trousers. When he stripped them off and stepped out of them he turned round to display his nakedness to his new husband. The thing Thor noticed first was not Loki's cock, but the bush of hair surrounding it. He'd been wrong in his assumption that his new husband would be hair free down there. Then he noticed Loki's erection. His cock was indeed ribbed with the circular scar which wound all the way to the purple leaking tip. It was beautiful.

"Would you like me to fuck you husband? Just say the words and I will fill you up." Loki grinned, naughty and hopeful. He'd never dared imagine his wedding night would go this well.

"Yes." Thor removed the remainder of his clothing and scooted up the bed. Loki noted the blonde hair on Thor's calves, thighs, chest, and armpits. All of this hair everywhere made the conspicuous absence of it between Thor's legs that much more noticeable. Loki couldn't help but inquire.

"Husband, is it normal for Aesir to not have fur between their legs?" Loki asked. Thor blushed and he knew instantly that Thor's face was not the only thing to receive a shaving treatment in the bathroom. But that didn't stop Thor from trying to pull off a boldfaced lie.

"No, I mean yes. Yes, my cock is naturally hair free." Thor said. Loki bit the inside of his cheek to stop from laughing.

"I like it. It matches your face." Loki said. "In fact, next time, if you shave off the rest of your body hair, I will reward you by licking you from head to toe."

"What about the hair on top of my head?"

"No not that. I like your golden locks."

"Just making sure."

"Lean back darling. Spread your legs." Loki said. Thor swallowed hard. The feeling of doing something so forbidden and taboo washed over him and he felt exhilarated by it. His red cheeks flushed and he took deep breaths to calm himself. He'd had fantasies that he'd never shared with anyone.

"You need lubrication." Loki said. He chanted some words and Thor squeaked when he felt his channel fill with a warm wet liquid. His cock got hard immediately.

"Is that for me? I'll have to ride it later, but right now I'm feeling dominant." Loki pushed Thor's thighs wide and pressed his cock to the Thunderer's hole. "Brace yourself." Loki pressed in, not quite understanding the preparation needed for such a breach.

"Ah!" Thor cried out like a maiden being deflowered. Loki grabbed Thor's cock and stroked it.

"Shh. Relax for me darling." Loki chewed his navy blue lip and he looked down on his Aesir warrior. The next king of Asgard letting himself be fucked like a woman. Even the people back home would never believe it. And oh how ravishing he looked, broken open and eager for his Jotun cock. Loki's hips bucked at the thought and he rushed into a brutal pace born of desire and dominion. The drag of his ringed cock inside of Thor was electric and overwhelming. Loki only lasted seconds. He came with a loud yell and collapsed on top of Thor. Thor for his part felt a little let down. He was nowhere near close to coming yet.

"Um, Loki?"

"Fuck that felt good." Loki said. There was something in his voice, something shocked and entranced and Thor had the sneaking suspicion that he been Loki's first.

"I'm glad for you, but would you mind if we traded places? I still need to release." Thor said.

Loki was mortified. He'd blown his load in record time and had left his lover wanting. Thor must think him the worst lay in all the nine realms. He realized quickly that he had to tell the truth in order to save face.

"Sorry. It was my first time."

"I thought that might be the case. Do you mind if I take the lead now?" Thor asked. Loki could only nod as he smiled sheepishly. Thor flipped them over and Loki shrieked at the quickness of it. Thor chuckled at his new spouse and sent his fingers on an expedition searching the folds for that hidden garden of pleasure and want.

"Oh Loki, you are glorious." Thor grabbed his cock and lined it up to thrust in. "This might be uncomfortable since it is your first time. Tell me if you feel pain." Thor instructed. Loki nodded and he pushed in.

"Oh! That's…different."

"Are you alright?"

"Yes. I think so. It's really big."

"Good. Big is good. Big is satisfying. Here we go." Thor thrust in short gentle bursts at first. He must have been doing something right because Loki's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he moaned loud. Like really loud. And non-stop. If it were anyone else Thor would think they were faking it but Loki was really moaning like that. Thor didn't know if he should laugh, feel smug, or mortified. Surely the servants could hear him.

"It's good?"

"OHHHHH! OH GODDDDD! OHHHHH! OHHHHH!"

"It's good." Thor said, unable to stop himself from chuckling. Loki was a moaner. Thor sped up and the moaning just got louder, until Loki went completely silent. Unable to breathe, his pleasure was so consuming, he'd transitioned to a silent scream. Loki's left leg twitched and seized when his orgasm began. It started in his toes, making them curl. The paralysis crept up his calf and thigh until it hit his abdomen. Loki's vision went white and his face twisted into the dumbest most ridiculous screwed up expression Thor had ever seen. Thor chased his own pleasure and came into Loki's spasming womanhood, laughing in joy and good humor. Loki wasn't the most experienced partner, but he was hands down the funniest fuck he'd ever had.

"Fuck I love you already baby." Thor kissed his blissed out darling.

"I saw Valhalla. The Valkyries wondered what the fuck I was doing there." Loki laughed.

"Well, the next time you see them, tell them to save you a seat. Because I want to fuck you every night for the rest of my life and long into eternity."

"Just wait until morning. My father will bless us with the morning after ceremonial gift. I'm told it will be encrusted with many rubies, emeralds, and other jewels."

"Oh, what is he giving us?"

"Our genital piercings."

"What?" Thor's face blanched.

"I'm told the cock bolt is very pleasing. It connects to the labia piercing and nipple piercings via a thin gold chain. Which is why tweaking nipples in public is considered very naughty among my people. Although, you don't have a labium. I suppose we could pierce your testicles instead. Thor? Thor? Are you alright? Darling?"


End file.
